What If?
by RoadMart
Summary: What if the Earl wanted to save money? What if the Exorcists were Noahs and the Noahs were Exorcists? Thousands of possibilities, all right here. Please leave a review if you have an idea for us!
1. What If the Earl Wanted to Save Money?

**Road: WOW, this took way long to upload. Truth be told, Allen and I wrote this awhile ago (about a month). I've been procrastinating. Sorry. /**

**So, here's the 1st story. Have fun. :)**

* * *

The Earl and the Noahs were all sitting around his luxurious dining table enjoying dinner, when the Earl got one of his "bright" ideas.

"As you all may be aware, taking over the world and destroying all humanity is very expensive," He said in his cheeky tone.

"Oh noes, here we go again, lero" Lero muttered to Road. Road sighed.

"I have decided to save on wardrobe by switching to one-piece jumpsuits!"

He pulled out one-piece jumpsuit versions of Road and Tyki's outfits, that looked exactly the same.

"I guess we could give it a try," Muttered Tyki.

"Hell, they look exactly the same!" Debitto muttered, earning a "Hiii!" from Jasdero.

* * *

To continue the story properly, we must fast-forward in time to when Allen Walker and Road are engaged in battle at the Rewinding City.

* * *

Allen and Lenalee had just finished off the last Akuma of Road's, the one who had had the sickles.

Road drifted down on Lero and landed behind Allen with a 'clack' of her shoes.

"You destroyed it," Road sighed. "Oh well. I guess that's enough for today. It was a lot more fun than I expected." Road's odd door rumbled up from the ground.

"See ya!" She giggled, turning around and walking towards the door.

Allen reached ou his claw to Road's neck, as if he was about to maim her.

"You're so sweet, Allen," road sighed happily. "You must hate me. Kill me. Your arm is a weapon too."

At this, tears welled up in Allen's eyes. "C'mon."

As Road began to walk away, Allen's hand slipped and cut the ribbon she always wears around her neck; the only thing holding up the one-piece jumpsuit to her body. Road froze as she felt the material slip off her body and the cold air hit her bare skin.

Allen and Lenalee couldn't help but stop and stare at the now naked Noah that stood in front of them as Road could feel her heart stop.

"Wow, Road's quite voluptuous, for being so tiny," Lenalee stuttered as Allen began to drool. Being so innocent, he had never really seen a girl naked, much less a Noah.

Road blushed a new, deep shade of red before yelling "Shut up!" and disappearing, throwing the two (including Miranda) out of her dimension.

Allen landed with a thump back in Miranda's apartment, staring blankly at the "Thank You, Exorcists" note Road wrote on the wall with Miranda's blood.

"Whoa…" He mumbled. "I'll never think of Road the same way again."

* * *

"Tyki, this is the worst day of my life!" Road screamed, now fully clothed again and balling, banging her fists on the ground. "I hate this suit! Hate it hate it hate it!"

"Road, it's not…That bad!" Tyki stuttered, dodging the random things Road was also throwing.

"It happened to us, too!" Jasdero and Debitto yelled together. "Lucky for us there was no one around!"

The Earl came into the room a moment later, asking "What's all the ruckus?"

"Road was caught naked after that Exorcist Allen cut her ribbon."

"Really?" the Earl said. "Well, that's understandable."

All the Noahs froze. "What?"

"Oh, didn't I mention each suit could only be undone by one pull of a string?"

"NO!" They all said, glaring at him.

"Oh dear, I'm sorry!" He said, still grinning.

They all sighed.

"Well, one good thing came out of this," Tyki said.

"How could ANYTHING good come from this?" Road whined, on the edge of balling again.

"Allen couldn't take his eyes off of you, could he?"

Road paused to think for a moment, but soon her embarrassment was replaced by rage.

"That's not funny, Tyki," She hissed. Tyki backed away slowly as the candles around the room began to sharpen…

"Oh boy…Not good…"

* * *

"So, how did the mission go?" Komui asked as Allen lied in his bead.

"it went find. We found the Innocence and it's accommodator…" he trailed off, blushing as he remembered the last event.

"And?"

"We met Road Kamelot of the Clan of Noah, as you know," he said.

"You saw her naked, didn't you?" Lavi said bluntly.

"No I didn't!" He yelled as his blush intensified.

"Did you stare?" Lavi asked, holding back snickers.

Allen was silent for awhile, glaring daggers at Lavi.

"I think I drooled, too…"

* * *

**Road: Well, that's it. It was incredibly fun to write, I'll tell you. Although Allen came up wit the fic idea, I was the one who lead him to it. If that counts at all. :P**

**As the summary (should have) said, we're making this into a bunch of little "What If?" stories, although it may take awhile between stories. We're actually working on a dramatic multiple-chapter story. w00t. :P**

**Idea by Allen; Written by Allen/Road (mostly Allen); Edited by Road; Published by Road.**

**Reviews welcome. Flames will be used by Allen to heat our tea. Constructive criticism welcome? :)**


	2. What If Kanda Tasted Like Candy?

**Okay, SO not my fault this is UBER short. Allen and I had 5 hours to write this, not to mention his little brother, Timcanpi, was annoying the Hell out of us all the while, and I was typing this on my Palm. Typing with that is like trying to eat a gallon of ice cream with those mini-spoons you get at Baskin Robin's in 2-3 minutes.  
**

**It was actually Timcanpi who gave us the idea for this chapter. It was from our classic question "If we told Road kanda tasted like candy, would she eat him?", since Kanda was close to candy. (All the smart people said yes. :P)**

**Real Title (not enough room to type it): What If Lavi Told Road Kanda Tasted Like Candy?**

* * *

We join our brave heroes just as Kands loses consciousness at a critical moment in his epic battle with Skin in side Noah's Ark. Skin, seeing a golden opportunity to get valuable information from a (sexy) Exorcist. He promptly threw Kanda over his shoulder and walked over to one of the walls. Another one of Road's magical doors appeared an Skin walked through it. As Skin walked through the portal, the room collapsed and the door shut behind him.

* * *

_We now fast-forward 42 minutes, to when Lavi is trapped in a nightmare produced by Road._

* * *

Lavi, being trapped in an alternate reality designed for the sole purpose of destroying him, is unaware of any events happening around him. Out of nowhere, a deformed Road pops up in the strange chessboard area Lavi is imprisoned in. Lavi is struck with a "divine" inspiration and decides to tell Road about one of his theories.

"Hey Road," He said with a grin, "you know that Japanese Exorcist friend of ours?"

Road was silent for a minute. "Kanda?"

"Yeah, him."

"...What about him?"

"Well, I heard a rumor that he tastes like candy."

Road returned to her original form and a wide grin spread across her face. "Really?"

"Yup. He's _really _tasty."

"Yay!" Road squealed. She poofed into thin air and the illusion dissolved around Lavi.

Allen, Lenalee, and Chaoji stood gawking as Lavi regained consciousness and Road disappeared from the room.

"What just happened?" Allen asked, still mildly surprised.

"I'm not quite sure, but Roads up to something," Tyki said nervously.

Lavi smiled and said simply, "Oh, Yu-chan's gonna have some problems is all."

* * *

Meanwhile, Kanda awaked to a throbbing headache.

"Man, I have one HELL of a headache," He muttered He reached up to rub his sore head, and he felt skin where it shouldn't be. His hand reached up higher and felt tall, spiky hair. And when he looked up, his eyes met impish golden ones.

"What the...?"

"Hahi haid ho hasted hike cahi," She innocently said in a muffled voice.

"Huh...?" Kanda raised an eyebrow painfully. She released her death grip on his head just as drool started rolling down his temple.

"Lavi said you tasted like candy, Kandy Panda," Road huffed.

"Kandy...Panda?" Kanda twitched.

"Yup! That you're nickname," Road said happily.

"So, what_ did_ he taste like?" Skin asked.

Road grinned before chirping, "Tea cakes!"

She and Skin looked greedily at Kanda's head...

(Because of the graphic nature of this scene, we were forces to ommit it from the story.)

* * *

_**Later on, when Kanda walked out of a door with Krory**_

"Yu-chan, what's those marks on your head?" Lavi asked.

"Lavi, I'm going to KILL you and that tiny little Noah girl," He hissed. Lavi just laughed. He knew he'd be killed later (if he was lucky).

* * *

**Yup. That's it. I thought it was the most brilliant thing Allen and I (more him than me) had written so far...Until I noticed it was only this long. A little less than 1/3 less than the last chapter.**

**Idea by Timcanpi; Written by Allen/Road (mostly Allen); Edited by Road; Published by Road.**

**I'll make sure Allen and I work extra hard to make the next chapter longer! Reviews let us know who's reading! Flames will be used to help IHOP make their delicious Who-Cakes! (Yeah, I've had them. Sue me for eating googly childish pancakes. :P)**


	3. What If There Was a Noah of Spaz?

**1,263 words without ANs...I never thought it would happen. Allen and I really have done much better this time. **

**My fault that this is late. Allen and I worked on it together for about another 5 hours (but for 4 of those we were watching mah DGM DVDs, so we didn't get much done). Due to that, Allen did half the story and left the other half for me. Being the ditz that I am, it was sitting in my comp's Shared Documents folder for a week before I found it (thinking I might have had to rewrite it D:) and finished it up. Then it sat for another week until Allen reminded me yesterday to get it uploaded.**

**SO, here you are, reading my horrible excuse for being late. Much sorry. ;**

* * *

The Noahs were once again sitting around their big dining table; Road was doing her homework, Tyki was smoking and reading a book simultaneously, Debitto and Jasdero were beating the stuffing out of each other, and Skin was complaining about how his food wasn't sweet. The Earl walked in with a rather interesting redhead by his side, instantly getting everyone's attention.

"I found a new Noah!" He declared. "Her name is William Luvar."

"'Ello everyone!" William said curtly.

They all stared at her, and Road coughed rather loudly to break the awkward silence.

"Hey, did you know that every time there's an awkward silence, a gay baby is born?" William commented, which was followed by another awkward silence.

"Anyways," The Earl coughed, "she'll be helping in our quest to destroy humanity."

The Earl left, leaving the Noahs to have their formal introduction, obviously as awkward as all the rest of them. The Noahs went around the table and said their names, abilities, and official titles. William listened intently, staring at them with the intensity of 10 moons, making the moment even _more_ awkward.

"So…" Road inquired, "what can _you _do?"

"William is ur luvr," William said quite simply. Another awkward silence, another gay baby. Get used to it.

"I iz da Noah of Spaz!" She chirped, spinning around. They all stared at her strangely.

"Okay…" Road mumbled. "What's 'spaz'?"

"OMFG you don't know what spaz is?!" William yelled. "It's so magical! It's, like, this stuff, y'know? I's just be magical, y'know?"

"No, we don't know," David huffed.

"Back to the question: What _can_ you do?" Tyki inquired, not looking up from his book.

"Um…Oh ya! The Earl said I could talk to flowers and puppies."

Another awkward silence.

"Okay…How does that help?"

"I's don't know, but it's fun!"

Another gay baby.

Road attempted to keep her thoughts from showing on her face; _Willam is absolutely useless! We should kill her now…Maybe I can get an Akuma to do it…_

Tyki interrupted her thoughts. "So what do you think about that, Road?"

"Hm?"

"We were discussing the possibility of having Willam bunk with you. She isn't much older than you are, and she needs a place to stay."

CRASH. BANG. BOOM. Road's plan crashed and burned instantly…But from the ashes, a new idea came about. It was brilliant! It was easy! And William would be gone forever.

"Sure, no prob! Of course William can stay with me," Road said with a fake smile as she did everything in her power to keep form laughing maniacally. Her plan was perfect, but not now. All that could wait. "Come on Willam, I'll show you to our room."

* * *

"Here, you can have this bed right by the window," Road said with a grin. "It's really comfy!"

"Okay!" William said happily as she jumped onto the bed.

"Okay, so just to let you know, I have to go to bed by eight because I've got school tomorrow, so you better be asleep by then."

"No prob!"

"Perfect…" Road muttered to herself. "Falling right into my trap!"

"What was that?"

"Wha? Oh, nothing. Just dinner's at 6, that's all."

And with that, they went their separate ways.

* * *

After dinner, Road attempted to do some more homework, while William threw questions at her at a million miles an hour. At 7:30, they both went to get ready (brushed their teeth, changed into pajamas, etc.). William was sawing logs by eight o' clock; perfect for Road to put her plan in action, but she waited. An hour later, she decided to make her move.

Slowly, she crept over to where William lied sleeping. Gently, so as not to disturb her, Road moved Willam so her head was hanging outside the window.

"Good thing my bed room is right above the river," she murmured to herself.

With one final push, Willam was out the window and splashed into the river. Road let out an evil snicker, which eventually grew to a maniacal laugh.

"Road, what are you two doing in there?" Came Tyki's voice form the hallway. "You're supposed to be asleep."

"N-nothing Tyki! I was, uh, just laughing at a joke, that's all!" Road stuttered, blocking the door in case he tried to come in. "We'll get to sleep now!"

She listened as his footsteps became quieter, before snickering again.

"And that's that!" She said as she dusted off her hands, hopping back into bed and falling asleep.

* * *

The next morning, Road came skipping out of her room with a cheery grin, going down to have dinner with the family. She had sent an Akuma to check for William's body, but unfortunately found nothing. She determined that her body had been swept down the river, and didn't worry about it.

"You're looking much more happy than usual, Road," The Earl said as she took her seat. "Why is that?"

"Oh, no reason," Road lied. "William and I just had a 'fun' night together last night."

"Good to hear!" Tyki said as the food came. "Speaking of William, where is she?"

"Oh well, you know, she's a heavy sleeper, so-"

Then there was a knock at the door located behind Road. No one understood why, since they expected all the Noahs to be here, but Road answered it anyway. There, standing dripping wet with a sad look on her face, was William.

"William?" David and Jasdero echoed.

"What ever happened to you?" Tyki asked.

"I dunno!" William whined. "I just woke up all wet 'n cold on the side of this river, a way long way away form here. I coulda sworn I was in our room all night…"

They all looked at Road, who tried to look as innocent as possible.

"Road, do _you _know why William woke up near the river?" The Earl asked.

"Not a clue!" Said Noah chirped. "I was sound asleep!"

The obviously didn't believe her. She looked nervously from the Earl, to Tyki, to Skin (who was ignoring the situation and munching on sweets already), to the twins, and then to William, who was on the verge of tears.

Was this it? Would they find out and she'd get punished? It sure looked that way…But no! No way! She hadn't killed William yet, so that wasn't and option!

"I love William! Why would I do such a barbaric thing?" She finally said, hugging William to give emphasis. "She could have just fallen out of the window when she turned over."

"But it was closed the whole night, wasn't it?" David said.

"Closed! Hiii!" Jasdero added with a grin.

"No, I opened it because it was really hot in the room!"

They all still seemed doubtful, but they knew that Road really did love the family. The Earl waved a hand and they dropped the issue. About a half an hour later, William was dry and they all went on happily to have breakfast.

Road was quite happy herself, believe it or not. True, her plan had failed, but she had gotten everyone to think she was William's "BFF 4evr", as William herself had said. Now they would never suspect her if something bad happened to William again…

…Which was good, because she was going to smother her with a pillow tonight.

* * *

**Lol. William was based off our spaz-tastic friend who is JUST like William in every way (besides being a Noah). She was the inspiration for this idea, really, so since we knew 'er so well, it was easy to write.**

**Idea by Allen; 1/2 Written by Allen, 1/2 Written by Road; Edited by Road; Published by Road.**

**Again, sorry for the late update. Reviews are loved, constructive criticism is loved, and flames will be used to make metal into new parts for Sparky (AKA my trusty Dell desktop). :3  
**


	4. What if Allen Never Had The Talk?

**1,165 words without ANs! new record!**

**So, we actually finished this sometime last week (I'm thinking Thursday or Friday) on a sheet of paper because I forgot my Palm. Lucky for us, Allen remembered where we left off, so we got the last 1/2 a page done and BAM. Instant win. So here ya are, not but a week or so later.**

**Real Title (not enough room to type it): What If Allen Didn't Know About the Birds and the Bees?**

* * *

One day Allen, Lavi, and Krory were sitting down to a nice lunch in the Order's cafeteria. When out of the blue Lavi asked the most random question:

"So, how did you learn about the birds and the bees?"

Krory spewed Cranberry Juice all over the place and his face became flushed from embarrassment.

"Eliade kinda...um...taught me with, um...visual aids," He said, staring into his glass. Lavi's face flashed through a series of emotions; first anger, then jealousy, then pity, and back to disgust.

"So, Allen, how did you learn about the birds and the bees?" Lavi asked.

Allen, with an absolutely clueless look on his face, asked, "What do you mean?"

"You mean, you've never had the talk!?" Lavi and Krory asked simultaneously.

"Well, Mana and I talked all the time, but General Cross wasn't that big on words…" Allen said, still a bit confused.

"Krorykins! It is our responsibility to inform Allen about the wonders of life!" Lavi whispered to Kroy. "You go first."

"Why me?" Krory complained.

"Um… What are you talking about?" Allen asked, clearly uneasy by the whole thing.

"Well…when a man and a woman love each other, they'll hug and kiss, but sometimes that's not enough," Krory began.

Lavi, seeing Allen's completely clueless expression, decided that Kroy wasn't getting the point across. "Allen, pretend you wake up one morning and find Road lying naked next to you. What do you think happened?"

"Um… we both took showers… and didn't bother getting dressed?"

"No – you should think you laid her."

"You mean, like, putting her to bed? I guess she's still young enough to be tucked in…"

At this point, Reever walked by caring a stack of papers as tall as Skin was bald.

"Oh Reever, could you come here for a minute?" Lavi asked.

"Sure thing," He said as he carefully put the stack of papers on the table and plopped down next to Lavi. "What's up?"

"You see, Krorykins and I are trying to teach Allen about the birds and the bees, but he doesn't seem to be getting the point. We were wondering if you could help."

"What? Allen's never had the talk?"

"No, not really," Allen mumbled. "Whatever that means..."

"Okay, so when a man and a woman love each other-" Reever started.

"We already tried that approach," Krory interjected.

"Then I got nothing," Reever said with a disappointed look on his face. "Hey, I know! Let's ask Komui!"

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Lavi inquired.

"It'll be fine," Reever reassured him, not sounding reassured himself.

* * *

"Absolutely not! No way! I have no time for such nonsense!" Komui barked over the din of machinery in the Science Department. "Go ask Lenalee!"

"But...She's a _girl!_" Lavi stuttered as a look of pure shock spread across his face.

"So what? She knows more about the birds and the bees than you do. I made sure of that."

Everyone was too stunned to say anything as they wandered off to fine Lenalee.

* * *

After searching the library, training room, and cafeteria, they found Lenalee in the kitchen, preparing coffee for the science department. The group quickly explained the situation.

"I'll...do my best to, um, help," She said as her face flushed with embarrassment.

"That's great!" Lavi said with a look of an embarrassment on his face. "We'll be over here, pretending nothing's happening."

He, Reever, and Krory scooted out of the room rather quickly, not wishing to see the next events.

"So, um, what do you want to know?" Lenalee asked an equally as awkward Allen.

"Um...Everything?" Allen said questioningly.

Lenalee's eyes went wide, and if possible, she became even more embarrassed.

"I've, uh, got to go...Why don't you go talk to the gatekeeper? He sees _everything_."

And with that, she stumbled off in some random direction, muttering about coffee and her brother.

Out of seemingly nowhere, Lavi, Krory, and Reever appeared.

"Well, that went well," Lavi said.

"You were watching?" Allen asked in shock (and possibly amazement).

"Yes," Lavi admitted quite bluntly.

"I say we take her advice," Reever added.

And with that, they went to the front gate.

* * *

The gatekeeper was much easier to find than Lenalee, considering the fact that he barely ever moves.

As Lavi explained the situation to him, the gatekeeper's face remained emotionless. When he finished, the gatekeeper still had no reaction.

"Uh...Hello? Can you help us?" Lavi asked. Almost instantly the gatekeeper began to yell at the group.

"Absolutely not! How the heck am I supposed to know about the birds and the bees! Just because I see everything doesn't mean I'm a peeping tom! Go asked Jerry! His motherly disposition should be put to good use."

Seeing the conversation was obviously over, the group left to go find Jerry.

* * *

Jerry was in the usual place: the kitchen. He was diligently preparing a pot of his famed Brussels Sprout Stew, but he wouldn't say what it was.

After briefly explaining the situation to him, Jerry's eyes lit up like fireworks on the 4th of July.

"Of course! I'd be happy to help Allen with his problem!" He chirped.

20 minutes later, Allen was way more confused than he had been before.

"Ah, but, uh...What's with the rabbit and the hole?" Allen asked innocently.

Reever, seeing another confusing explanation coming, interjected with, "Okay Jerry, I think he's had enough for one day."

Just then, Kanda walked in with a bowl of half-eaten Soba noodles.

"Yu-chan! You gotta help us!" Lavi yelped. "Allen never had The Talk and we're trying to give it to him, but we're failing terribly. You're our only hope!"

"Moyashi's never had the talk?" Kanda said with a glare.

"Yes!" Everyone exclaimed (except for Allen, of course).

"Moyashi, come with me," Kanda said with another glare as he walked over to the pantry. He flung open the door with a _third _glare and barked, "In".

Allen walked over very slowly and cautiously, and he was barely in when Kanda slammed the door shut.

The door remained closed for 10 minutes, and when it did finally open, it was clear Allen's mind would never be virgin again.

"Yu-chan, you didn't have to put it _that _bluntly!" Lavi whined.

Kanda looked at him, and slowly, a very evil-looking grin spread over his face.

"Careful Lavi," He said, "I may have to give you the talk, too."

Everyone avoided Kanda for the next 3 weeks, and no one saw Allen for a month; for they knew that is was not what Kanda had said, but what he had done that forever changed Allen's mind.

* * *

**Mwahahar. Believe it or not, that last paragraph was all Allen's idea. None of my Yaoi Fangirl side had anything to do with it. However, the whole "wake up one morning and find Road lying naked next to you****" thing and the line after it was my idea. It looked really funny in my mind (Allen: ZOMFG WTF?! ROAD?! Wait...Why is she naked? ...What happened last night?). :3**

**Idea by Allen; Written by Allen,; Edited by Road/Fou; Published by Road.**

**Yeah. Fou helped us out on this one (I think; either this one or the last one). Constructive criticism very much welcomed. Flames will be used to somehow help find out what's wrong with Sparky.**


	5. What If There Was a BrainDraining Akuma?

**Wow. We didn't take foreve to write this (WRITE it, not upload it). 4 hours for 910 words. xD**

**Allen would like to apologize for the fact that we haven't updated for awhile. I'm also kinda sorry, but it's summer. We have a lot of things to do. Or rather, he does. I have no life. **

**Fou? Oh yeah, Fou. She came up wit this for us. Enjoy. :D**

* * *

One day, the Earl was making his daily rounds of exploiting on human misery. You know, nothing out of the ordinary. Until he came across one mourning human that was different from the others. This human was definitely grieving at the loss of his wife, but he also seemed a little relieved.

"Do you wish to see your wife again?" The Earl said.

"You can do that?" The human replied.

"Of course I can!" He exclaimed. "In fact, I'll do it for you right now, no questions asked."

"Okay!" The human said with a grin. "But she's your problem."

That should have been the Earl's first clue, but he was too wrapped up in his fanfare to notice. As he molded the spirit into the shape of the Akuma, he coul tell something was terribly wrong, but it was too late to stop it.

As soon as the Akuma took its shape, it sliced open the man and took possession of its body, as if it was born with the instinct to kill. It then ran out the door before the Earl could say anything.

_That was odd. _He thought to himself, but he forgot the whole incident.

* * *

A few days later, Allen, Lavi, Lenalee, and Kanda were walking to pick up groceries for Jerry as punishment for asking too many questions. (Lol.) Everyone except for Lenalee was carrying more groceries than any one person could hold. They were about to enter the butcher's shop to pick up 14 pounds of bacon when they heard a scream from an alleyway. By the time the Exorcists reached the scene of the murder, all that was left was a body stripped of all internal organs.

"It must have been an Akuma," Kanda declared before he saw the body.

"Oh, how right you are," Said a voice from behind him.

All four spun around to see a middle-aged man standing there with blood dripping from the corner of his mouth, which was a maniacal grin.

Before the four could respond, the Akuma started to transform. Where the middle-aged man once stood was now a goofy, 7-foot-tall pink bunny holding a rusty, blood-spattered chainsaw.

"Now, prepare to die, and fear my awesome Level 2 powers!"

"Not so fast!" Lavi said as he activated his Innocence, and the kanjis began to swirl around him.

"Now you will feel the wrath of my powers!" The Akuma exclaimed. "_Stupify!_"

Lavi then experience something that no man should ever feel. The experience of having your IQ dropped by an infinite number is similar to the feeling of having your brains bashed out with a bar of gold wrapped in chili peppers and garnished with a slice of lemon. This was what Lavi was experiencing.

The change was instant and noticeable. His eyes lost their luster, and a line of drool crept from the corner of his mouth.

"What was I doing?" He asked to no one in particular.

"You were killing that Akuma," Kanda growled.

"What's an Akuma?"

The other three simultaneously slapped their hands against their foreheads.

"We don't have time for this," Lenalee said to Allen and Kanda before turning to face Lavi. "Lavi, do exactly as I say and don't ask any questions, ok?"

A nod was all Lavi could manage.

"Okay, take your hammer and place it against that floating red symbol…No no, not that one, the other one…Okay, good."

Lavi nodded. "Now what?"

"Now smack it against the ground."

Lavi tapped his hammer very gently against the ground.

"Harder!"

Lavi smashed his hammer against the ground, destroying the surrounding cobblestone, but activating Hiban anyway.

"Ooo, pretty lights…" He said as he reached out to try and touch the pillar of flames.

"Don't touch it!" She scolded him. He immediately retracted his hand. However, with Lavi's weakened mental state, he blanked and missed the target.

"…Wow," Allen commented. "That was brilliant, Lavi."

"Really? Thanks!" Said guy laughed.

"Enough fooling around!" the Akuma yelled. "All of you shall suffer my brain draining wrath. _Stupify!_"

Allen and Lenalee felt the effects instantly. As there IQ slipped away, the only thing they could do was muter "Help".

But for some unexplained reason, Kanda was completely unaffected by the Akuma's attack. Many have speculated that he already had his brains bashed out by a bar of gold wrapped in chili peppers and garnished with a slice of lemon. However the more common opinion is that Kanda's IQ was so low I couldn't possibly get any lower.

"What a stupid ability," Kanda hissed as he drew Mugen.

The rest of the battle went along the lines of this: Kanda stabbed the Akuma with Mugen until it exploded. Lenalee an Allen's IQ returned to normal shortly thereafter, but Lavi's took longer to stabilize. So, the group was too tired of taking care of Lavi's newfound stupidity to get the bacon, so they returned o the Order, where they were yelled at by Jerry for not getting it.

For the next few weeks, after Lavi recovered, he couldn't stop teasing Kanda once he found out he wasn't affected by the Akuma's ability. Kanda countered with talking about how stupid Lavi had been. It took most of the Oder to finally calm them down and forget the incident.

* * *

**Lol. This was fun to write, too. Much thank you, Fou. We love you. :P**

**Allen would like to say: "Coming up with new idea for What Id is hard. I'm sure that you, our adoring fans, have many scenarios that you would like to see us answer. TO make a suggestion for the next What If chapter, leave it in a commet."**

**He means review. I refused to edit that because he said it. D:**

**Idea by Fou; Written by Allen/Road (mostly Allen); Edited by Road; Published by Road/Allen.**

**Constructive criticizm is loved. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows, which will be force-fed to Fou (who happens to be in Alaska right now).**


	6. What If There Was a Mrs Earl?

**Allen and I are so horribly sorry this is obnoxiously short, but in truth, we were so tired of not writing for a month (Allen was off in Hawaii and I never write without him) that we couldn't stand making it long. And we really wanted to keep watching Code Geass, because Lelouch is too damn hot and a Class 5 sexy-bishie ((c) Road. All rights reserved.) and C2 is awesome too. And Kallen. OKAY, they all are. But Lelouch the most.**

**So here. It's short, it's sweet, it's to the point. Enjoy.**

* * *

We all know about the bane of humanity, the Millennium Earl. What most of us don't know is that there's also a Mrs. Earl. In fact, one of the most memorable events in DGM history is a result of Mrs. Earl.

* * *

Our story begins with a boy named Jean. While passing by his town, Allen found Jean to be attacked by a random Level 1 Akuma. Allen quickly disposed of it, and by the time he had gotten around to talking to Jean, he had thrown an onion bomb in his face. A little while later, Allen found where Jean lived. When he asked for an audience, Jean ran away with Leo, who was, unannounced to him, an Akuma. They ran to a nearby cemetery and were followed closely by Allen. But he was too late. The Earl was already talking to Jean and was ready to kill him in a second.

Just then, Lero started to play _Caramelldancen_and vibrate. The Earl let out a huff and answered.

"Heloo?" He said in a fake happy tone.

"HONEEEEEY!" Came a loud voice from Lero's mouth. "DINNER'S READY!"

"Not right now, Sugar Mums! I'm trying to kill an Exorcist!" The Earl whined.

(By this time, Jean and Allen had a clear 'WTF' look on their faces. It was evident that they were losing brain cells by the second.)

"I don't care if it's the 14th Noah that you're trying to kill! Dinner's ready, and we will have a nice sit-down dinner together or I'll feed yours to the cat!"

"Not Lelouch! He already had diarrhea problems from the _last _dinner you fed him!"

"Then hurry up and come home!" And the line was cut.

"Fine then. I'll just finish this up quickly…" He muttered to himself. "We will meet again, Exorcists, _if _you can survive this!"

With a wave of Lero, he summoned up a whole horde of Akuma and was off.

* * *

Regardless of how fast he returned home, the Mrs. still fed his dinner to the cat. He was then forced to clean up Lelouch's diarrhea later on that night.

* * *

**-If you have not heard of Caramelldansen, you EPICALLY PHAIL. Look it up on Youtube. They have just about everyone doing the dance.  
****-Yes, we made a Code Geass refence; we named the cat after sexy-bishie Lelouch. We encourage you to watch Code Geass while you wait for new chapters/DGM episodes. It's like Eureka Seven meets Death Note ("meets Escaflowne", says Allen).**

**Idea by Timcampi; Written by Allen; Edited by Road; Published by Road with Allen in her presence.**

**Reviews are luv'd. CC is welcomed. Flames will be used by Lelouch to burn Brittania to the ground - and to somehow buy C2 pizza, because we luv C2 and she loves pizza and- +Shot before she could finish her rant+  
(And Fiery-Moonlight, your idea is in the process. It will be the next chapter. Thanks!)**


	7. What If Jerry Lost His Touch?

**So, this is the first chapter that Allen wrote all by himself without me intervening or anything. I just came in and did my editing. Hope you like. :D**

* * *

One day, Allen, Lavi, Lenalee, and Miranda were going to have lunch in the Black Order's cafeteria. Kanda and Kroy had been sent on a mission to Japan+ for some 'bonding time'+. The cafeteria was full of activity, and a line was raped around the entire room and went out into the hall.

"What's going on?" Lenalee asked a group of supporters who were waiting in line.

"The kitchen is under staffed today," said one of them.

"I heard every one but Jerry got sick," added another. "Something about a bad fish…"

"Lenalee, what's going on?" asked Lavi.

"Oh, the kitchen is understaffed today, so it's going to be a wile…"

"Well let's find some place to sit down…" Allen interjected.

The place was packed today, and it was nearly impossible to find a seat. But the group then heard something from across the cafeteria.

"Lenalee! Come sit with us!" Komui yelled.

"We saved you all a seat," came another voice, which was completely unexpected. It wasn't just the voice that surprised the group, but also the tone the speaker used: cheerful. Allen's body began to treble involuntarily, his subconscious recognizing the voice before any one else. There, sitting next to the chief of the Science Department, was General Cross, looking happier then ever.

They slowly made there way over to the two, sitting in the only corner of the room that wasn't occupied by the line for food.

"Master Cross, what a rare honor it is to see you at the order," Allen said with a quick bow. "You're looking happy today."

"Allen my boy, I'm always happy when Jerry's cooking," the general replied with a sly smile. "He makes the beast rum cake in the world."

Every one sighed.

As they sat down, Komui began to talk. "We figured you would show up, so we ordered for you; two extra-large family combos, one for Allen and one for everyone else."

"Komui," began Miranda, "what's so special about Jerry's cooking?"

"What's so special!? Only the fact that a chef of his caliber only comes around once every 10 blue moons! And besides, Jerry hardly ever cooks."

Cross soon became bored, and, noticing a particularly stunning young Exorcist, took the opportunity to give Allen and Lavi a lesson in women, while Komui and the girls continued to discus food.

"You see, the best way to approach a woman of such caliber is…"

"…and don't even get me started about his tiramisu, it makes you want to…"

"…approach her from the side, so she can see you, but don't make it obvious, because you can't tell if she is…"

"…to die for, and his strawberry rhubarb pie can make you…"

"…feel as if you've…"

"…died and…"

"…gone to…"

"…heaven!"

"…if you can hold her right in bed, that is."

"Your order's up!" added a third voice from the kitchen. It was Jerry's.

"Oh, Allen–kun, could you go pick up our order?" asked Lenalee. "And Lavi-kun to?"

Seeing an opportunity to put to work what the General had taught them, they gladly obliged.

* * *

Minutes later Allen and Lavi returned, their arms piled high with every food imaginable, and spread it out on the table. They then got second and third arm loads to give to the group. In the end, there were over seventy five platters tacking up the better part of two tables. At the same time the line began to move quit quickly.

"Let's eat!" every one yelled and dug in.

They took one bite and stopped. There faces displayed a look of confusion. _Was this the great cooking of Jerry, Master Chef of the Black Order?_

They spat it out in unison.

"It tastes as if it was found dead on the side of the road and then brought home, frozen, defrosted, and over cooked by two hours," Lavi said, who had tried the Mongolian Beef.

"It isn't that bad," said Miranda while trying to choke down a piece of Mitarashi Dango.

"I've had better…" Lenalee added as she chewed a piece of brisket.

"_I_ think it tastes great," Allen interjected in-between mouthfuls of whatever he could grab.

"What happened to my Knight in Shining Cutlery!?" Komui mourned.

"I'm disgusted," General Cross said as he hurried out the door.

The same was being repeated all across the cafeteria; First expectation, then curiosity, and finally grim realization. Something had happened.

The result: Jerry's food sucked.

* * *

The next day Jerry left to go to culinary school, and Cross came on as the Master Chef.

On another note, Allen lost all interest in Cafeteria food the same day.

* * *

**+ Actually, they went to help the Black Nights defeat Brittania in Japan. +ShotShotShot+**

**This chapter was based off what Fiery Moonlight told us he/she would want to see. Pretty fun. I'm surprised my ANs aren't rants. Guess it's cuz I'm having issues with Pokemon. **

**Reviews are loved. CC is very much appreciated. Flames will be used for my Macargo named Lon to kill Venus' stupid Steelix...**


	8. What if Lero was a Valley Girl?

**This is Allen posting for the first time, so please forgive me if my Author's Notes stink...**

**This is one of my favoriet ideas and hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

Lero is the Earl's personal golem, the one thing that is closest to the Bain of Humanity. However, little is known about the talking pink umbrella. Even less is known about how he was created. It's said that the Earl almost made him a girl. But what if he did? What if Lero was a girl? Many have suggested the following scenario.

* * *

One day, Allen and Lenalee were called to Komui's office.

"We've received reports of a town in Germany, were the day repeats itself over and over again," the Head Officer informed them. "There's a possibility that it's being caused by innocence, but we haven't been able to get a single Finder in there. That's why were sending you…"

So they left for the 'Rewinding City' and had no trouble entering. But once they were in they couldn't leave. However, all of this is unimportant to the story. This story is about Lero. So let's get to Lero.

* * *

Allen had just woke up from a massive battle to realize his arm was nailed to the wall. The first thing he saw was a little girl with his coat. Of all the outragous things! Then she started calling her self a 'Noah' and telling him she worked for the Earl, talk about crazy! If Allen drank alcohol, instead of avoiding it like the plague, he would have said he was hung-over because nothing made sense. But what took the cake was when a talking pink umbrella started to scold the little girl. Now he was positive he had a hangover, even though he doesn't drink.

"OMG Road-sama! Your, like, totally not support to tell him that!" said the pink umbrella.

"Oh, come on Lero-sama! Why not? Its fun…" the girl replied.

"Well, first of all, you're like totally not supposed to make contact with the Exorcists; it'll, like, so totally mess up the Earl's plans. Also, you like, totally didn't ask permeation to take me, and you are soooooo totally going to get in trouble because you this, and that's, like, no fun!"

"The Earl wouldn't to that to me. I'm his favorite."

"Oh, I like, totally over heard the Earl and Lulubell talking and he said that she was his favorite now."

"What!?"

"Ya, it's so totally true!"

"No Way!"

"Ya Way!"

By this point Allen had decided that whatever was causing his head ache was better then this and he conked out.

* * *

**Ya so, that's that.**

**Idea by Timcapi; Writen by Allen; Edited by Road with Allen at her side; Published by Allen**

**Reviews are loved. CC is very much appreciated. Flames will be used to cook pasta for my grandma's diner (you would not believe how hard it is to get a pot of water to boil on a wood burning stove).**

_**(Road: +Sniff+ My little Allen's all grown up and using the account on his own! +Glomps Allen+)**_


	9. What If Komrin Fell in Love?

**AND SO, THE AMAZING ROAD AND HER PUPPY ALLEN HAVE MADE A NEW STORY FOR THEIR WONDERFUL FANS.**

**Yes, we're back. 3 Although I am currently not in my home state, I have internet access and Allen re-sent me this new chapter in the hopes that I would make you happy by uploading it. Hope you enjoy, and hope you're happy with this (FOR NAO).**

**What if Komrin fell in love?**

Reever and the other staff from the science department were minding their business as usual, when Komui opened the door. The wall exploded behind him, which could only mean one thing. "Oh no not again," the staff groaned.

"I've done it!" Komui shouted with as much enthusiasm as ever.

"Done what head officer?" the science department grumbled.

"I've perfected the Komrin Program!"

"Whoopee," they said without any infliction. The big robots had stopped impressing them after number 35.

"I call him Komrin the 207th!" The head officer shouted. "There won't be any problems this time. I programmed this one with emotions!"

At that time, Lenalee walked in with coffee. The science department completely ignored the robot and went straight for the Joe.

"WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE ME?" The robot asked. The science department was busy sipping their coffee and Komui was congratulating himself on a job well done. Which left Lenalee to comfort the dejected robot.

"It's okay, Komrin. They had some bad experiences with your prototypes, that's all."

"THANK YOU LENALEE," the robot said with a robotic sigh. Then something strange happened. "LENALEE. I FEEL A TINGLING IN MY CIRCUTS. I THINK – I THINK I'M – I'M IN LOVE!"

"Oh boy," she muttered to herself as another syringe full of sedative hit her neck. Nothing happened. "I must be building immunity to this stuff," she said as she did a back flip out of the way of the next needle. "Komrin!" she shouted. "I need you to listen to me. I know that you love me, but this will never work. I'm an exorcist, and you're a… well, you're a robot."

"LENALEE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

"We can't be together."

"LENALEE…" Komrin looked down, then his eye turned red. "IF I CAN'T HAVE LENALEE, NO ONE CAN!"

The science department still wasn't paying attention and Komui was still congratulating himself.

"TURMINATE EXORCIST LENALEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Komrin shouted as his chest cavity opened and a huge canon slid out. In addition, each leg was equipped with a rocket launcher. "DIE LENALEE LEE!!!!"

Explosion after explosion ensued as Lenalee constantly fought the robot. With a final kick, the head went flying and Komrin was no more.

Komui picked that exact time to turn around and see his pride and joy in a pile of scraps with his sister standing over it. "NO!!!! KOMRIN!!!!!" he shouted as the head went flying into the abyss.

"Why!? What did he ever do to you!?" Komui pleaded with his sister.

"Do you really want me to answer that question, brother?" With a well placed kick, Komui joined his ex-pride and joy.

Lenalee walked back into the science department and found Reever finishing his coffee. Without looking up, he spoke. "Robot hit on you?" he asked.

"Yep," Lenalee responded.

"Figured something like that would happen if it had emotions."

"Really?"

He took another sip of his coffee. "Yep."

"Why don't you go figure out why." With a well placed kick Reever sailed out the door and down into the abyss. Then she turned to the rest of the science department. "Anyone else knew this was going to happen?" Lenalee asked with pure hatred in every word.

"No," the sci. department responded I unison.

"Good," she said as she went to go take a shower.

**This is actually very short. I appologize. But hey, at least it's a chapter! Allen has another one that he's sent me, but I'll let you all simmer with this one (and get over the shock that we finally updated this) while I try to enjoy the last 5 days of my vacation here in Michigan.**

**Idea by Allen; Written by Allen; Edited by NO ONE; Published by Road.**

**Reviews are always welcome. We want to hear from our old fans so we know they're still reading! Flames will be used to keep my feet warm as Allen and I slave over a hot laptop to bring you new chapters. Or to force people to bring me beautiful Lucy Maria Misora figures, Japanese PS2s, and Strawberrry Panic video games. Whichever comes first.**

**P.S. Next chapter is based off of the idea that Zack1996 gave us. We hope he'll read it as soon as we put it up. I think it's pretty funny. 3**


	10. What If Noah Made a Secret Room?

**Told ya I'd get it up sometime soon. ;D Allen's adapttion of Zack1996's request. We hope it meets what you were hoping for. Enjoy.**

* * *

[For your reading pleasure, the following is an excerpt form the (now not so secret) secret diary of Lero.]

_June 20__th__: Today, Master Skin had one of his "episodes". Regrettably, he destroyed all the serving Akuma in his rage and sent me off in search of something sweet to satisfy his appetite. In my hurry to find something before any more of the castle became endangered, I took a wrong turn and found myself in the broom closet (which was normally used as hideaway for Road's toys). Turning around, I went to leave through the door from which I entered only to find the door missing. Panicking, I looked around thinking that I had gotten turned around, but found no exit. Now I finally noticed that my surroundings had changed. The room I was now in was completely unfamiliar. It was painted blue with white trim, with matching furniture along the walls. Finally I had the bright idea of looking up just in time to see a panel sliding back into place in the ceiling. I was trapped, but tried to escape all the same. After seven unsuccessful attempts to push the panel back, I gave up and collapsed on the ground. For a while I did nothing but stare at the hole which was my only hope of escape. Then, I got my head together and took inventory of my surroundings. In addition to the couches lining the walls, there were two chandeliers illuminating the better part of the room. Sitting on a small table in the middle of the strange disserted parlor were a tea pot (bone china and bone dry), a few matching cups and saucers, and a half eaten bag of stale cookies. Realizing that the bag of cookies wouldn't last me long, I set about making this journal so I would not be forgotten._

_June 23__rd__: The temptation of the cookies proved to be far stronger then I had anticipated. With only three left, I predict I will last no longer then three more days. With this in mind, I attempted to pry the panel open once again, this time using one of the saucers, but with no results. I still hold out hope for the small chance that I will be discovered in time, but one can only hope so much before hope is lost._

_June 25__th__: No more cookies. Energy low. Barely able to write. I only regret not telling Mistress Road how I felt about_-

"Lero? What are you doing?" Road said, scaring the golem nearly half to death.

"Mith-stres Road! Are you trapped too, Lero?" the Golem said, his words completely garbled.

"What are you talking about Lero? And what are you doing in my play room?"

Lero looked even more surprised than he had before. "Play room, Lero?"

"Ya. I purposely cut this room off from the rest of the house so I could have a private play room. And what is that?" the purple-haired Noah said, spying the diary. Following her line of sight, Lero made a small connection and dived for the book, but it was already too late; Road had Lero's privet Diary.

"What is this? 'I still hold out hope for the small chance that I will be discovered in time, but one can only hope so much before hope is lost'," Road said as she read from the book. "This is hilarious! Here's another one: 'I only regret not telling Mistress Road how I felt about-'" She abruptly stopped and stared at the Golem. "About what?"

If ever it was possible for a pumpkin to blush, Lero now did so. "You shouldn't take other people's stuff, Lero! Now give it back, Lero!"

"But it has my name in it. I want an answer!"

"It's… It's… nothing, Lero," the pumpkin said as he blushed deeper and deeper.

"Come on, Lero. It's something and something can't be nothing. Now give me an answer; about what?"

"About… about… about the candy I stole from you last Halloween," the golem said in defet.

It took several seconds for Road to process the information. Then her face changed to a look of pure rage. "You conniving little pumpkin! You said you didn't know what happened to it!"

"I know. I'm sorry I lied Mith-tress Road, Lero." Despite his apologetic words, Lero sighed internally. The little bluff would save his secret.

* * *

**Ahh, I do wonder what Lero's secret is. Imma go out on a limb here and predict that Allen would say "Use your imagination".**

**Idea (technically) by Zack1996; Written by Allen; Edited by Road; Published by Road**

**Reviews are so passionately loved it's not even funny. Flames will be used to cook my tamagoyaki that I eat with rice while I write more fanfiction.**


	11. What If Mugen Became Haunted?

**HEY LOOK, A NEW CHAPTAH. NO WAI. Yes wai. I just happened to remember that we needed to update and told Allen to write a new chapter. And he came out with this beauty. The idea was submitted by one of you reviewer people…whiteninjaalchemist, yeah, that's him/her. Enjoy this as much as I did, please!**

Full title (cuz it didn't fit): What if Mugen became haunted and tried to kill everyone?

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night. Rain beat against the walls of the imposing tower set on an impossibly tall cliff. Inside, the pitter-pattering of rain was muffled but still echoed throughout the deserted corridors. Down one particularly dark hall way slept an un-suspecting Exorcist. Behind his door, he sat cross-legged on a bamboo mat deep in meditation. By his side was a simple katana in a wooden sheath, partly eclipsed by his waist length black hair.

Through locked doors and closed windows, an ancient sprit drifted inside. It wasn't a particularly mischievous spirit, in fact he much preferred to stay put in the afterlife but noooooo! His dad said he had to take on the family business of haunting ancient and potentially deadly weapons! Slipping past the meditating Exorcist, he grabbed on to the sword with his essence and took control. Instantly, the spirit could feel the power of the weapon at his finger tips. He was in control. Slowly, he removed the blade from beneath the Exorcist's hair without disturbing a single strand. With that he left the room and took the sword with him.

* * *

The next morning at breakfast wasn't particularly fun for any one, which came as a surprise because it was waffle morning and Jerry's waffles were known the world over as the very best, even among the highly secretive organization known as the Collaboration of Waffle House and Entertainment Chefs (COW-HEC for short). But that's beside the point.

The point is that no one was happy at breakfast because Kanda didn't like his soba noodles and felt the need to inform Jerry. He didn't take it well, which made everyone else's food taste like crap. So no one was happy at breakfast.

Of course, Kanda's soba didn't taste any different than it had the day before; Kanda was just far more pissed than he had been since Allen arrived. And it wasn't anyone's fault… he just couldn't find Mugen, that's all…

* * *

_Meanwhile: _

The Science Department was a complete and utter mess, and not in the normal sense. Normally the chaos of keeping a fully functioning Research and Development Department running was handled by Section Leader Reever. Unfortunately, Reever was nowhere to be found and Komui was no help.

"Have you checked his room?" asked Jonny.

"Of course I checked there," replied one of the finders.

"How about his office? He sometimes sleeps there…"

"Checked there already," replied another one.

"Well he has to be somewhere! It's not like he just dropped off the face of the earth!"

"Actually, he might have."

The quickly growing group of Finders and scientist whirled around to find Head Officer Komui standing in the door way holding a science coat… with Reever's name on it. "I found it in a deserted corridor…in a pool of blood."

"What are we going to do now?" asked the first Finder.

"We are going to find Section Leader Reever," was Jonny's strong resolve.

* * *

Lunch didn't go well either. By that time half of the Science Department had disappeared (each body only identifiable by the pool of blood surrounding a personalized lab coat) and Jerry had begun to fall into a self destructive cycle of consuming cooking Sherry and Baker's chocolate. And Kanda still hadn't found Mugen.

"I mean this is getting ridiculous," Lenalee said as she and Allen walked down the hall. "I hear that the missing person's count has gotten up to ten."

"No way," Allen replied. "That's crazy. And now Jerry has gotten all depressed!"

"Good lord Allen! People are disappearing and all you care about is food!?"

"What? I'm hungry!"

* * *

Kanda had checked all over the order and still couldn't find his sword and now the mass disappearing act was really getting out of hand. Whatever it was that was making people disappear had gone through the entire Science Department, kitchen staff (with the exception of Jerry who was found passed out in the middle of a giant pile of chocolate wrappers and empty alcohol bottles), and all of the Finders on hand at the Order by three o'clock in the afternoon. By diner time it had blown through almost all of the Exorcists. Actually, Kanda was the only one left (besides Jerry, but he didn't really count at this point).

He rounded a corner and came face to face with… himself. Sort of. It was really more of a rough outline of him caring his sword—

His sword!

"What the Hell are you doing with my sword!?" Kanda's eyes erupted with blast of heat that rivaled those produced by the sun on really hot days.

"Hey don't look at me!" the sprit replied.

Not much catches Kanda off guard. It's a fact that he prides himself on (although he would never say it aloud), so when I say he was caught off guard he was really caught off guard.

"What did you just say?"

"It was my dad's stupid idea, not mine! I wanted to be a baker, but nooooo! My dad said I had to—"

"Stop!"

"Okay…" Now it was the sprit's turn to be confused.

"Your dad?"

"Yeah, my dad. He's a real stickler for traditions and he wants me to go into the family business of haunting weapons but I really don't have the heart for it... Can I tell you a secret?"

Kanda was too stunned to do anything but just stair off into space.

"I really want to be a baker, but ghosts have a hard time getting cooking jobs."

Kanda began to twitch. He didn't like ghosts and he especially didn't like ghosts who reminded him of people who were still alive and would like to kill but saw the logic in letting him live even though it pained him every time he ordered a quadruple order of mitarashi dango in the middle of the afternoon, so the twitch didn't come as much of a surprise considering how friendly this particular ghosts was getting. However, in a complete un-Kanda like act of mercy, he resisted the urge to clock that stupid spirit and tried to work things out with words. "Tell you what," he said through clenched teeth, "I might be able to get you a job with our head chef, but first you have to tell me where all of my comrades are and give me back my sword."

The spirit's eyes lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. "Really? You would do that for me!? Oh, I'm so excited; I don't know what to do!"

"You can start by giving me back my sword."

"Oh sure, no problem Yu-chan."

It took a few seconds for the spirit's words to sink in. Then all Hell broke loose. Astral juices sprayed the walls and—

* * *

_Because of the violent nature of the following scene, we at Road Mart (AKA Allen, because Road, knowing the crazy fangirl she is, would have put this in anyway) have decided that, in the interest of preserving what little is left of the sanity of most of our readers, to omit the next couple of pages of this story and replace it with a two sentence summery, which goes as follows:_

_Kanda got really, really mad and attacked the ghost. The ghost, being a ghost and all, was fine in the end, although it was scared for the rest of its existence._

_We appreciate your understanding and continued patronage._

_Sincerely, Allen_

_Co-Manager and Head Writer_

* * *

As it turned out, the spirit, who wasn't very good at the whole haunting and killing thing, had faked the whole incident using a tricked out broom closet and the tomato soup Jerry had tried to cook after Kanda had insulted his cooking. In the end, everyone was fine, if not a little shaken up from being stuffed into a broom closet for hours on end, and life went back to normal after a couple of days.

Except for Jerry. He never fully recovered from the incident and vowed never to touch tomato soup or baker's chocolate again.

* * *

**I can't even begin to explain how beautiful this is. Allen has outdone himself. Not to mention it's a good 1,300 words long. I applaud him! –Insert applause-**

**Idea by whiteninjaalchemist; Written by Allen; Edited by Road; Posted by Road**

**Reviews are loved more than Road's favorite soup. Flames will be used to bake the baked goods that Road and Allen will be making someday so that they can earn money for anime conventions.**


	12. What If Kanda's Hair Is A Wig?

**GUESS WHO GOT THE NEW CHAPTER~ Long time no type, you wonderful readers you. Did you miss us? I hope you did, and I'd like to formally appologize for the 10 month wait. As usual, it was one of those "Allen took forever writing the chapter because Road didn't remind him and then when she got the finished thing, she never uploaded it" situations. But what's new?**

**Anyway, if I remember correctly...*Checks*...this was one of _love'sunny'side'up_'s ideas that s/he left in a review. It's quite different from Allen's normal writing style, which I think you'll notice, but it should be just as hilarious, or at leas make you read it over a few times to try and understand. xD**

**Also, I have some announcements, so please read them at the end. For now, enjoy!**

* * *

What if Kanda wore a wig?

One morning Kanda was finishing his soba noodles when Reaver sprinted into the cafeteria carrying what appeared to be a paper copy of every receipt for every transaction ever performed by General Cross (the geeks in the science department are _still_ trying to figure out how he managed to carry it). He hobbled over to Kanda and, peering around his monolith, eyed Kanda with obvious exhaustion. "Komui wants you in his office…" he managed to get out between pants, "something about a possible Akuma infestation in Mother Russia." After that, he stumbled off towards the accounting center.

Kanda was slightly more irritated then he had been previously, but the change was undetectable to all but the most trained eye. He stormed down the hall to Komui's office where he found the director in his usual place (collapsed on his desk in a pile of official papers awaiting approval) and went through the five minute ritual of waking him which always ended in a ridiculous lie about Lenalee and an equally ridiculous reaction from the head officer. Once the head officer had been stabilized (a good smack to the head took care of that) he shuffled through his documents and found the mission document in question before chucking it at Kanda and leaning back in his chair as a counter balance to his feet, which he placed squarely on his desk with a complete disregard for the precarious piles of documents and applications carpeting the entire office.

"Well everything's there," he said as he adjusted his beret. "Any questions?"

"What do you think, _baka_," Kanda snapped. "You haven't explained anything yet!"

"Well what do you need to know?"

"How about where I'm going and why, for a start."

"Oh, that's easy. You are going to Siberia, to a small, isolated town. Embedded finders have reported a giant increase in the number of unsolved murders and unexplained deaths. It is probably safe to assume the increase corresponds with an increase in the Earl's activities in the region. Now we just have to figure out why. We can hypothesize that he choose that particular area for its isolation, but besides that the only other explanation is the presence of innocence which has failed to make itself known to us. Any other questions?"

"Ya. Why the hell couldn't you have told me this first?"

"Because you didn't ask! Duh."

Kanda sighed and rested his hand on his hilt. "One more question. Why me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why am I going? Can't you just send Bean sprout or someone?"

"Oh, because your heart matches the temperature of the environment where you are headed. Good bye."

Before Kanda could respond with a deadly blow to the head, the floor dropped out from underneath him, resulting in the traditional comic flailing of arms followed by a long string of profanities.

"Ah… the joys of trapdoors…"

* * *

To say Kanda was pissed is to say the Atlantic Ocean is damp. After a quick trip out of the order via the underground canal system, he boarded an east bound train towards Siberia, where he reflected on the extent of his hate for the Head of the Black Order. He spent a good ten hours reflecting on that subject then progressed to how much he hated Bean sprout and how much he wished he wasn't headed to the most desolate place on earth. He spent the final two hours of his trip moping about his private compartment, sighing and whining about how much his life sucked and how he wanted to be back home and anywhere but the train. Then he arrived and realized Siberia was about twice as boring as he expected.

There was no apparent Akuma activity based on the five hours he spent freezing his ass off on the roof. There was no "hidden innocence" based on the actions of the town's people and the surrounding environment. There was absolutely no abnormality to speak of. Or so he thought…

* * *

The cold was beginning to permeate through his outer layers of thermal clothing. had been sitting on the same rooftop for several hours well into the night. His meditative techniques worked well for the first couple of hours, until the cold reached his bones and he could no longer feel the cold (or his ass, or his face, or his… well, you get the idea), but there is only so much numbness one can endure before they start to feel, well, numb. The feeling of cold was just beginning to cause on set sleepiness when there was sudden flash of darkness, like an explosion of light except it sucked in light instead of emitting it; which, of course, could mean only one thing: dark matter.

In two seconds, Kanda shifted from the meditative position assumed by so many Buddhist monks to a crouched position, his center of balance placed precariously on his tip toes and his hand resting on Mugen's hilt, ready to strike down anything in his way. As he watched, a black vortex formed in the epicenter of the flash of darkness. From said portal, a ghostly figure emerged, ripping through the fabric of reality like cheese cloth. A single claw, then a foot, then a head exited the portal. Soon a full blown serpent, with wings of darkness and horns of twisted bone was present in the back alley. Evidently, Kanda's original assessment of the situation was flawed and incomplete. There was in fact an Akuma infestation and it was therefore his responsibility to take care of it.

He stared at the Akuma, which seemed to be the above mentioned grey dragon, but it moved in ways that repulsed even the laws of physics themselves. From the depths of what we will call its 'abdomen' a guttural shriek (something that does not occur naturally for a reason) erupted and echoed off the walls. The shriek began to change pitch and tone and began to fluctuate rhythmically until audible words formed:

"'_Twas brilling, and the slithy toves  
__Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:  
__All mimsy were the borogoves,  
__And the mome raths outgrabe."_

"What the hell is that supposed to mean," the exorcist muttered under his breath.

The liquid-abomination-dragon (or whatever it was) continued:

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!  
The jaws that bite the claws that catch!  
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun  
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

"Now I know he's just trying to tick me off with that gibberish," Kanda groaned in a slightly more audible tone. But apparently others' reactions to the 'gibberish' were nearly opposite to the young exorcist's. From every doorway on the small cobbled road, people in various states of dress stumbled out of their homes and into the street. It was like _Night of the Living Dead_ with less "BRAINS!" and more dancing, like the Pied-Piper on a bad trip. At this point, Kanda decided it was more important to keep the imminent human flesh feast from occurring than it was to learn more about the opponent.

Kanda gripped his sword and in one shot leaped off the roof of the building and drew his blade, fully invocated, from the sheath. As he flew through the air, he barreled past the target, leaving a gash down the unidentifiable creature's side. "Hey, Bozo," he said as he touched down behind the Akuma, "how would you like another taste of my Mugen?"

But the creature just smiled. It smiled, and then smiled wider and wider, until the toothy grin took up an unnaturally large percentage of its face. The horrible abomination of a shriek began again:

"He took his vorpal sword in hand:  
Long tome the manxome foe he sought –  
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,  
And stood awhile in thought."

"And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?" the exorcist screamed in rage brandishing his blade.

"And, as in uffish thought he stood,  
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,  
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,  
And burbled as it came!"

As the words vibrated off the cavernous walls of the buildings, every single dancing zombie turned toward Kanda in the wired, simultaneous way that only a true brainwashed zombie can. It seemed completely hopeless, what with a sea of innocent civilian zombies that could not be killed with a clear conscience, when a familiar voice sounded from the rooftops.

"Hey Yu-chan!" Lavi called down from the rooftop. "Looks like you could use a hand…or a hammer!" The orange haired boy lifted his oversized hammer into the air and a series of glowing kanjis began to circle the head of the weapon. With an overly dramatic swing, he brought the head down through one of the symbols and slammed it against the ground. "Wood stamp!" he yelled. Almost instantly, a strong wind began to blow through the cobbled chasm, which annoyed and confused the crap out of the zombies and the Akuma. But it also had one other unintended consequence. Kanda got really pissed off. Not because the wind was whipping about his coat, which it was, or because he was now trapped in the middle of a potential zombie stampede, which he was, but because the wind began to whip his hair around, before it blew off.

That's right, you read correctly: off. Completely off, all in one piece. It flew down the street, whipping around like a leaf. Where his hair once stood was a shiny, cue ball-like dome of pure, untainted flesh.

Well of course Lavi couldn't contain himself after that. He burst into laughter and practically fell of the roof, eliciting a similar response from the Akuma who was controlling the entire population of the small town in the middle of freaking nowhere (which of course meant that the brain washed zombies were also laughing hysterically). Of course Kanda would have none of this. He and his shiny cue ball head leapt high into the air, brought his sword in front of him, and swung it in a wide ark while growling "First illusion: Hell Insects!" The creatures burst forth from the slashed air and drilled towards the demonic—

But we won't bore you with the details. Let it suffice to say that Kanda ripped the Akuma to shreds, and then proceeded to do the same to Lavi. Believe it or not, something good actually came out of this: Lavi stopped calling Kanda 'Yu', but he switched to 'Cue ball' so I think we can classify this as a 'lose-lose' situation (Kanda lost his dignity and Lavi lost his only remaining eye).

* * *

**And that's it. Now for announcements:**

**So, it's pretty obvious that Allen and I are way too buzy and too damn lazy, respectively, to write chapters very fast for you. It took me several times of reminding Allen to write, meaning he obviously can't support it without reminders and because of his busy-ness. I would write the stories myself, but since I haven't been creative with this since the third chapter, and you all seem to really like Allen's style, I'd like this to stay as much his as it can and won't intervene. And let me let you know: _the only reason I remembered to tell Allen to update this is because you were all reviewing! _Reviewing = more chapters. I'm not even joking. You are what fuels us! Please keep reading and giving us reviews and reminding us not to be lazy! (On my side, coughcough.)**

**So, basically, that's just a heads-up that without reviews and/or some way of interacting with the fic other than just clicking the title and reading it, we won't update and you will be sad. I hope. Sorta. So please, subscribe to us, or the fic, or drop a review! I'll try my hardest ot get Allen to write, and he'll try his hardest to make the best chapters he can make!**

**Idea by 'love'sunny'side'up; Written by Allen; Edited by Awa; Published by Road**

**Awa would be a good friend of ours, who Allen had edit the fic this time around. She has an account, I'm just too lazy to go find it...Anyway, CC is loved, like always, and so are just one-word reviews like "Cool". Flames, however, will be used to burn the things that we hate - except people. No killing people. D:**


End file.
